Avoid family strife down the road by holding key conversations about your estate plans -- now
"What’s the best way to tell our grown children about our estate plans without creating a family drama?"
That’s the question I’m most often asked when I tell people I’ve written a new book about money, family and communications, "The M Word: The Money Talk Every Family Needs to Have About Wealth and Their Financial Future."
It’s no wonder: More than $15 trillion will be transferred to the next generation between 2007 and 2026.
Most Family Transfers Are Flawed
Problem is, there’s a 70 percent failure rate when transferring family wealth from one generation to another -- a loss of control of assets through mismanagement, poor investments or the like, according to Roy Williams and Vic Preisser, two of the founders of the Institute for Preparing Heirs.
(MORE: Sandwich Generation: Large Gifts to Family Can Be Tricky)
Many of these failures occur because families don’t do enough to prepare their heirs for the handoff. It’s like giving your 16-year-old son the keys to your car without a driving lesson.
Being unprepared to inherit money won’t kill someone, of course, but it can certainly wreak emotional, mental and financial destruction.
The Conversations Parents Don’t Have
Unfortunately, most parents fuel rather than prevent this kind of havoc. They think: “I’d rather not talk about it” or “We’ll set up a time to chat about it later.” The “it” in these phrases is, of course, money. In far too many families, money is a dirty word, a taboo subject, what I call the M word.
But in my experience, one of the most common conflicts among family members arises when they are probating an estate that hasn’t been previously discussed.
Regardless of whether all the children will get exactly the same inheritance, if they know in advance what the will says, the parents can reduce anxiety in an already stressful situation.
Generally speaking, what you should tell your adult children about your estate ought to be guided by your family’s values and by each child’s ability to handle the information.
When One Child Has Special Circumstances
In many families with grown kids, there is one child who has issues involving money. This could be the result of his or her bad habits or perhaps a physical, mental or emotional challenge.
(MORE: 5 Steps to Creating Your Digital Estate Plan)
In that case, you might need to have a separate conversation with him or her and create a special arrangement that will work for these circumstances.
Otherwise, though, I think a balanced approach to sharing information about family wealth is the best option.
Who’ll Get the Jewelry?
It’s extremely important to have a conversation with your adult children about who will get your personal property.
That’s because one of the most contentious aspects of settling an estate can be the distribution of things like Mom’s diamond engagement ring, Dad’s collection of abstract expressionist artwork or Great-Grandma’s gold-plated china. This is just as true for items that aren’t worth much money, but have a great deal of sentimental value.
When you have this conversation, give each child a chance to talk about his or her favorite items and come to an agreement about how everything will be divided up.
(MORE: 9 Tips for Cleaning Out Your Late Parent’s Home)
Not only will these give your family members a chance to share stories and talk openly about items that mean a lot to them, it will encourage a healthy dialogue and cooperative spirit regarding estate matters. This will prove to be extremely valuable down the road.
That’s the question I’m most often asked when I tell people I’ve written a new book about money, family and communications, "The M Word: The Money Talk Every Family Needs to Have About Wealth and Their Financial Future."
It’s no wonder: More than $15 trillion will be transferred to the next generation between 2007 and 2026.
Most Family Transfers Are Flawed
Problem is, there’s a 70 percent failure rate when transferring family wealth from one generation to another -- a loss of control of assets through mismanagement, poor investments or the like, according to Roy Williams and Vic Preisser, two of the founders of the Institute for Preparing Heirs.
(MORE: Sandwich Generation: Large Gifts to Family Can Be Tricky)
Many of these failures occur because families don’t do enough to prepare their heirs for the handoff. It’s like giving your 16-year-old son the keys to your car without a driving lesson.
Being unprepared to inherit money won’t kill someone, of course, but it can certainly wreak emotional, mental and financial destruction.
The Conversations Parents Don’t Have
Unfortunately, most parents fuel rather than prevent this kind of havoc. They think: “I’d rather not talk about it” or “We’ll set up a time to chat about it later.” The “it” in these phrases is, of course, money. In far too many families, money is a dirty word, a taboo subject, what I call the M word.
But in my experience, one of the most common conflicts among family members arises when they are probating an estate that hasn’t been previously discussed.
Regardless of whether all the children will get exactly the same inheritance, if they know in advance what the will says, the parents can reduce anxiety in an already stressful situation.
Generally speaking, what you should tell your adult children about your estate ought to be guided by your family’s values and by each child’s ability to handle the information.
When One Child Has Special Circumstances
In many families with grown kids, there is one child who has issues involving money. This could be the result of his or her bad habits or perhaps a physical, mental or emotional challenge.
(MORE: 5 Steps to Creating Your Digital Estate Plan)
In that case, you might need to have a separate conversation with him or her and create a special arrangement that will work for these circumstances.
Otherwise, though, I think a balanced approach to sharing information about family wealth is the best option.
Who’ll Get the Jewelry?
It’s extremely important to have a conversation with your adult children about who will get your personal property.
That’s because one of the most contentious aspects of settling an estate can be the distribution of things like Mom’s diamond engagement ring, Dad’s collection of abstract expressionist artwork or Great-Grandma’s gold-plated china. This is just as true for items that aren’t worth much money, but have a great deal of sentimental value.
When you have this conversation, give each child a chance to talk about his or her favorite items and come to an agreement about how everything will be divided up.
(MORE: 9 Tips for Cleaning Out Your Late Parent’s Home)
Not only will these give your family members a chance to share stories and talk openly about items that mean a lot to them, it will encourage a healthy dialogue and cooperative spirit regarding estate matters. This will prove to be extremely valuable down the road.
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